Today I am grateful for patience. Not that I have much of it, mind you. But I am indeed amazed all the time with how patient other people are with me. Co-workers have been patient while I've come to them crying or freaking out about lessons, unit plans, and students I just can't seem to reach. Students have been patient with me as I try so hard to be part of their world and apply what we're doing to what they're interested in: and then I fumble and fail. Friends have been patient with me as I have come to them with stresses and anxiety, with questions and a serious need for a hug. Family members have been patient as I bug them to death through long Facebook conversations or late-night phone calls just because I need to hear that they're okay. Jordan has been unfailingly patient as I nit-pick-ily clean the house and as I try--but fail--to make delicious food every night for dinner and as I beg him to watch Lost with me every single night because it gives me a story to follow and as I cry to him because I'm so overwhelmed with the hundred to-do-lists I have created for myself. And I am grateful for the patience of my Heavenly Father, who not only smiles and reassures me when I don't make time to do the things I've promised to do, but who shows me every day that I am loved and I am important to Him.
I feel like all my short-comings have been so magnified this last year, and I sometimes feel like I just can't take failure any more. But still, through it all, I can sense that someone is watching me, someone is guiding me with tender mercy. With each new day, I am given the chance to get up and try it all again. I am given the opportunity to fix what I messed up yesterday and to create something beautiful today. I am given hope. Each day offers challenges and yes, it offers failures--ok, more like it shoves failure down my throat. But still, with every new morning, there is something good to be sought after. There is something quite powerful in it--the morning--and I think I figured it out today. The sunrise this morning was stunning. Breath-taking. Miraculous. And despite the rush I was in and the weight I felt on my shoulder, those few moments of looking at the beauty around me reminded me that my Heavenly Father is eternally patient with me. He is continually giving me day after day, opportunity after opportunity to learn, to grow, and to change.
So I've always had this dream of owning my own business. Not that I'm a real business-woman. That thought kind of makes me gag. But I have always wanted to own my own bookstore and stationary shop. Over the years, this idea has developed quite a bit, and I've gotten really serious about it the last few months. Maybe it's just because I'm feeling like a major change, but maybe it's because this is what would really make me happy. Maybe it's what could help me feel like I'm contributing to the world. I have so many ideas and so many cool things I want to do with the shop, it's just unbelievable. My problem is that I don't want to get a business degree. I really just want to take a few classes so I learn what I need to know to get started. But is it that simple? I'm thinking about buying a "Starting a Business: for Dummies" book. But then that supports the competitors! Ah! Don't worry, I'm not that crazy...I think I still need to buy the book. Has anyone out there started a business? Opened your own store? How did you go about it? Where do you go first? How do you get all the books you want? How do I figure out--and buy--all the kitchen equipment I need for the cafe? How do I get ceramic ramekins made especially for my shop? Should I start looking at shelving costs and tables and chairs? What about a lovesac? Or two or three? What colors would I paint it? Oh my gosh, my thoughts go on and on forever! I laid awake thinking about this for two hours the other night. And I constantly wake up in the morning planning and running things over in my mind. And I know I can't do this for at least another 4 years. But seriously, people. I have a dream! I'm just so darn anxious to get rollin' with it!
And in case you're wondering: yes, this idea spawned the creation of 6 separate to-do lists. This can't be good for my blood pressure.